Hunter
by psychochick1
Summary: Hogwarts has been invaded and overrun with a malignant infestation, something even more hideous than Umbridge and her decrees. Dumbledore hires a bounty hunter to eliminate the problem, but what is the prey? Post OoTP


Albus Dumbledore sat behind his desk looking over various messages when a quiet knock came at the door. He glanced up curiously; he wasn't expecting anyone, but in order to have made it this far one would need the password. Still, he made sure his wand was close at hand even as he called out, "Come in."

The door creaked open and Professor McGonagall stuck her head in, letting her body block the rest of the doorway as best she could. "Excuse me Headmaster, but there is someone here who insists on speaking with you. Says you requested a meeting."

From behind the professor a black cloaked figure slipped into the room and stood casually off to the side. The face was hidden, but Dumbledore could tell that the person underneath was watching everything. Without ever having seen the person, the headmaster recognized his visitor instantly.

It did nothing to assuage his paranoia.

McGonagall threw an irritated look at the visitor, but Dumbledore raised his hand. "It's quite all right, Minerva. Could you please give us some privacy?" The Transfiguration professor thinned her lips in disapproval, but nodded and shut the door behind her.

For a long moment the two figures regarded each other. The visitor's cloak was nondescript, hiding most of the body beneath it but not quite concealing the weapons carried. Dumbledore eyed the sheathed knife just visible at the waist and spotted a slight bulge at the wrist that could be from a wand holster.

Swallowing a twinge of anxiety, the headmaster smiled cordially and waved a hand towards the chairs in front of his desk. "I am glad that you could come, especially on such short notice. Please, take a seat."

The cloaked figure nodded once and glided over to alight gracefully on the seat. Dumbledore settled back in his seat, trying to convey the impression of a kindly old man, even thought he knew that his visitor probably could see right through the façade. "Would you care of a lemon drop?"

"No." His visitor did not move. "I would prefer if we skip the pleasantries and get right to business. You called me here for a reason."

"Indeed I did." Dumbledore leaned forward with his hands clasped, twinkling blue eyes trying to penetrate the dark depths of the hood. "May I ask what may I call you?"

"Hunter."

Dumbledore nodded. "Very well, Hunter. I am in need of your special skills. A . . . situation has arisen here at Hogwarts, and you are the only possible solution."

Hunter did not so much as twitch, so he continued, "This castle has been . . . . well, invaded."

His eyes darted down to his hands as his jaw tightened. This was his school, and yet the invaders had snuck in right under his nose. And now there was nothing he could do about it, except call in outside help. To say he was angry was an understatement.

Hunter broke into his musings. "If it is what I think it is, then the proper term would not be an invasion. Rather, an infestation."

That drew Dumbledore's gaze back to his visitor and a slight smile tugged at his lips. "Yes, I think you would be correct."

Hunter settled back in the chair, arms draped casually across the chest with an air of satisfaction and anticipation. "So how bad is it?"

Dumbledore grimaced. "Pretty bad. They've got into every House, every year, every class, and even into the teaching staff. I've tried to keep them out, but they spring up out of nowhere and breed faster than rabbits."

"They do that. It's one of their more annoying qualities." Hunter's head cocked to the side like a cat watching a bird. "How many are there?"

"Easily twice the population of Hogwarts."

Hunter gave a low whistle. "Ouch. How long have they been running around?"

The headmaster sighed. "The short answer – a few years. But very few of the original batch are still around. I thought we had seen the worst of it during the very long summer holidays, but ever since last summer it's like they exploded. Ones that were around mutated, and new ones show up practically hourly. And they keep getting stronger."

Agitated, he rose from his seat and began to pace behind the desk. "This year has been particularly stressful, and it's only going to get worse. The Ministry is staffed with incompetent fools led by the biggest fool of them all, the Hogwarts staff is divided and suspicious, and the students . . . .

"And on top of it all I have to deal with all the bloody Mary Sues infesting my school!!"

Hunter gave a small chuckle. "Relax Albus. You don't have it all that bad. You should see Middle Earth. It's been practically overrun with Mary Sues for years now. The movies only made it worse."

Dumbledore nodded distractedly. "Yes, yes I know. Those who love the movies but know nothing about the books are especially prolific. I've heard from Gandalf the rumors of the ridiculous 'Legomances' that occur there. We're starting to have the same problem here."

He shook himself. "But that's beside the point. I need your help in ridding Hogwarts of Mary Sues." 

"I figured as much. After all, that's what I'm good at." Hunter sat up and stretched a bit, shoulders cracking. "What kinds do you have?"

With a sigh, the headmaster pushed a stack of parchment across the desk to Hunter. "Here are the names we know of. Some aren't so bad. They're borderline originals, but still have enough Sue-ness to be annoying. But the majority are pure American Teeny-Bopper Sues."

Hunter actually shuddered. "The ones with the cliques and the slang and the Abercrombie and Fitch clothes and the teen soap operas and fangirl moments? Perfect figures, perfect hair, perfectly smart and loving and talented and secure and perfectly disgusting? The ones who come riding in, change characters to fit their specifications, play matchmaker, save the world and do it all without ruining their perfect manicures?"

Despite himself, Dumbledore actually started laughing. "Exactly!! Except you forgot the part where they want to take Harry and his friends back to their own countries."

After he calmed a bit, he continued on a more sober note, "After the end of Harry's fourth year they started up in earnest. There was just too long a break. I'm constantly bombarded by requests for more Yule Balls and dances and Hogsmeade trips and other social events. It's like they forget that Hogwarts is a school and not a glorified day camp."

He fingered his long white beard as he gazed at the portraits of former headmasters along the walls. "Ever since fifth year ended, a new species showed up. The old ones either continued on as if nothing happened or mutated to fit in, but these new ones are . . .  different, persistent. They all act like brand-new Healers on their first rotation at St. Mungo's. They come in and think they can fix all the emotional wounds left over from last year."

Hunter smirked widely. "And all you want to do is take your wand and blast them all into the seventh layer of hell."

"That's putting it mildly," Dumbledore admitted. His visitor laughed heartily.

"But since you can't, you're willing to set me loose in Hogwarts to rid you of this infestation." Dumbledore nodded, and suddenly all amusement was gone from Hunter's demeanor. "How visible?"

Dumbledore's eyebrows mated as his forehead wrinkled in a frown. "Pardon?"

"How visible do you want me to be? Should I take care of this quietly, or do you want a big visible demonstration to deter any further infestations?"

Dumbledore tapped his fingertips together as he considered the question. "I do not want to alarm the students or the faculty. And officially you're not supposed to be here at all." He sighed. "But anything to stop the Mary Sue onslaught would be worth it."

Hunter nodded. "Understandable. How about a few obvious eliminations of, say, the top ten most aggravating pests. The rest I can subtly hunt down. With some luck, few will notice and fewer will care."

With a sigh of thankfulness, the headmaster went back to his chair. "That would be good. A couple others have been tracking the worst of them, and a few of the Sues have already left of their own volition. But that's a small percentage compared to the rest who keep popping up."

He leaned forward, gazing at Hunter intently to convey the seriousness of this situation. "I can't wait for all of them to run their course. I'm willing to pay you your usual fee plus fifteen percent if you would make this your priority."

The offer took Hunter by surprise. The bounty hunter was quiet for a few moments, then leaned forward with forearms braced on knees. "That's very generous of you. But it tells me that perhaps this job will be harder than I expect it to be."

Dumbledore nodded. "Perhaps. Actually, I want this done as fast as possible. We need to have the infestation cleared out before this break ends."

"Rush jobs can get messy," Hunter warned, "especially if it is as widespread as you say it is."

"As long as the school and the real students are intact by the end, I really do not care how messy it gets." Steel overlaid the headmaster's determined tone. "I will give you any help you need."

Satisfied, the bounty hunter nodded firmly. "I accept."

With a small smile Dumbledore leaned across the desk with his hand extended, and Hunter shook it to seal their deal. "I'd best get started then."

They both rose and with a small cocky salute Hunter headed for the door. Dumbledore couldn't resist one last question.

"Just how messy do you think it will get?"

Hunter paused, hand on the knob, then quipped, "You might want to start paying Filch overtime."

Just before the door swung shut behind the bounty hunter, Dumbledore called out, "Just make sure none leave any of their ghosts behind."

Hunter peeked back in, a smirk clearly heard in every word. "Even if I do, I bet the Ghostbusters would give you a great deal on exorcising them."

With a final chuckle, Hunter disappeared into the school.

Thus began the Great Mary Sue Slaughter.

And the peasants rejoiced.

A/N: This was a crazy little idea that popped into my head at about 3am when I was house sitting, and partially inspired by Carcilwen Thorned-Rose. It was really funny when I first thought of it, but I don't know how funny it turned out. Please review and tell me what you thought and any suggestions you might have. If there's enough interest, I might post further chapters to see Hunter in action eliminating Mary Sues.

(Let the bloodshed begin!!!)


End file.
